I can’t help it, I just love them. Their misty, dewy, soft, uncomprehending eyes. Their complete and total disregard for rational thought. Their myopic view of the world … they’re sort of like the Elders of some bat-shit crazy Bible Belt denomination that keep women and children in the basement … preparing garlic fries all day. Oblivious. Keepers of their very own reality. Yes, I simply ADORE Giants Fans. Cuter than a pink hamster twirling a parasol on a unicycle.
It’s a good thing I find them amusing because I’m surrounded by them. When I take the dogs for their walk around McCovey Cove, wearing my Dodger cap, I feel something like Barack Obama would if he wandered unexpectedly into a Tea Party Rally. It’s a tangible awkwardness mixed with a fear of assassination. Of course, I may be over-reacting, but sometimes I take off the hat … just in case.
Fearing for my life, however, does very little to dampen my affection for fans of The China Basin Scourge. They appeal to my love of the absurd … the entertainment value of speaking with people whose synapses are obviously misfiring. It’s the same thing that makes me insist on engaging Jehovah’s Witnesses. Heck, I knock on THEIR doors when I get bored. They’re a hoot and a half! But, Giants Fans are the best. And, here’s why …
THE BELIEF SYSTEM
- Giants fans ACTUALLY DO BELIEVE that because it’s an even year, their team is destined for a World Series™ Championship. Ask them for proof and they will point to 2010, 2012 and 2014. How can you argue with that logic? They also believe that after the final out of the 2016 Series, Buster Posey will ascend from the field into the night sky and be taken aboard the spacecraft trailing the Hale-Bopp Comet to preside over a New Age Of Enlightenment and Refined OPS Calculations. I can’t prove them wrong – and it infuriates me.
- Giants Fans seem to TRULY BELIEVE that winning three World Series™ titles over a 61 year period is somehow better than winning six over the same time span. Go ahead, ask one. They’ll give themselves (and possibly you) an aneurysm shouting, “Three In Five, Three In Five!!!” over and over. Never mind that it’s now three in six, at the very best. Math is obviously not their strong suit.
- Giants Fans are unwilling to admit the fact that their Beloved Redneck With A Girl’s Name, Madison Bumgarner, was recently employed by the Trump Campaign to sit at the border and throw sliders at immigrants attempting to enter the U.S. for work. I have video proof that such a deal is in place! I’ll post it on YouTube™ when I’m finished with post-production. You’ll see!
- Giants Fans have a bit of a double-standard. Barry Bonds, Tito Fuentes and Sergio Romo are “colorful” while players like Yasiel Puig and Bryce Harper are “disrespecting the game.” It’s really cute.
- Most Giants Fans think the name ‘Minnesota Twins’ refers to the conjoined love children of Jesse Ventura and Minnesota Fats that they think they’ve seen on tabloid covers at the supermarket. They have no knowledge of any other baseball team in either league. They know about the Dodgers, because they’ve been told to dislike them by some grouchy newspaper columnist. Just for giggles, ask a Giants fan who the catcher for the Milwaukee Brewers is and watch their head start spinning like Linda Blair on Ritalin.
- Giants Fans won’t concede the “Beat L.A.” chant was created by Celtics fans and first used when the Lakers would come to Boston Garden to pummel their Green Shirts. It was adopted by clever Jints Fans some years later.
- Sometimes people can say things so outlandish that it becomes impossible to ever take what they say from that point on as anything other than random, guttural grunts and addled, fevered gibberish. Colin Cowherd once said that U2 was a better and more influential band than the Beatles. Goodbye Colin, maybe you’ll have a future as a speechwriter for Sarah Palin, you now have zero credibility left, which is not necessarily a drawback for hosts of sports talk shows. Be gone with you, Philistine! Giants fans run the same risk of an eternity of derisive mockery when they attempt to, somehow, propose that their team broadcasters (the insufferable Kuip and Kruk) are even relatively close in ability, insight or talent to that of legendary Dodger broadcaster, Vincent Scully. This notion is so beyond the pale as to be surreal. They might as well try to tell us Carrot Top is a comedic genius on the level of names like Groucho, Kovacs, Brooks, Carlin and Pryor. If someone actually walked up to me and made a claim that anyone was better than Vin, I would have no choice but to view them as a feeble-minded and useless cretin who might as well try to convince me pixies paint the flowers to give them color and that Justin Beiber really knows how to rock. It is a blasphemy, a sign of raging dementia, or maybe even demonic possession. Jints Fans, lay off Vinny … it’s beyond lame to criticize the Red Head. Your charcoal heart is showing.
- Giants Fans should never ridicule Dodger Fans for “arriving late” or “leaving early.” I have witnessed a two-thirds empty AT&T Park after the 7th inning of a one-run game on more than one occasion and those fans don’t have a three-hour freeway drive to look forward to, so there.
- Note to Giants’ management: Replace the elderly “Ball Dudes” with some cute girls in shorts. Watching these old geezers fall all over the place and taking line drives to the dentures isn’t amusing. It’s sad. Cruel even. Speaking as an “Old Dude,” it’s a practice that I would like to see retired … like that guy asleep in that folding chair at the end of the Giants’ dugout. Elder abuse is a crime.
- Finally, I will take a grilled Dodger Dog over a basket of soggy garlic fries any day of the week. I mean, come on, it’s a baseball game. Wine spritzers and crab cakes have no place in the bleachers of a ball game.
But, like I said, these beliefs make Giants Fans endearing, in a sick kind of way – and I still love these besotted little gremlins.You can’t really fault them for harboring their bizarre allegiance. Many were simply “born into it.” Others, unfortunately, may have fallen into some unholy stupor after having tried to look into Bruce Bochy’s eyes. Either way, it’s not really their fault. Bless their pointed little heads.